Sadara Lochlan was restless. She, along with the rest of the crew of the USS Voyager, was in her third year of being stranded in the Delta Quadrant. She had tried to reason and meditate her way to the serene logic of accepting her circumstances many times over the past three years, but bitterness and resentment still whipped at her soul in harsh gales. Voyager was supposed to have been her transport from Deep Space Nine to her next command, the USS Sovereign after Voyager had completed its mission in the Badlands; a minor pitstop for the science vessel on the way to her next mission. Instead, Sadara had found herself at the mercy of another captain's decision just as finally as her crew had been.
The part of her that had been a starship captain for numerous years understood and sympathized with the gut wrenching decision Captain Janeway had to make that stranded her crew 70 years from home. The other part of her chafed at being forced to make busy work on a ship she wasn't even assigned to nor did she fit in on. A 130 year old Vulcan/Human version of Captain Dunsel as Commodore Wesley once referred to
Captain Kirk as during the disastrous M-5 simulations. Sadara served no truly useful purpose on Voyager.
She had attempted to make the best of the situation by volunteering as ship's counselor; if nothing else she could keep her therapeutic skills sharp so she'd hung out her shingle, so to speak and modified part of her quarters into a makeshift office. Voyager's original mission didn't call for a ship's counselor so there was no other office for her to work from. Business had been painfully slow. With only a crew of about a 150, Sadara didn't see a significant number of clients in a typical week; and she'd anticipated that stranded this far from home, close friendships would form and the crew would rely on those for help rather than visit the lone counselor on board.
She'd found herself trying to rely more on her Vulcan half for coping with this situation than she'd felt comfortable admitting. She preferred her human half to a large extent, but her human half was the half experiencing most of the difficulty in accepting this nearly intolerable situation. Reminding herself to accept things beyond her control had been a daily mantra in her life the last few years, but it hurt her to be so underutilized and forgotten.
If she was completely honest with herself, she had to admit that she missed the center seat of a starship. It beckoned to her like a long lost lover that she still longed for, but wasn't sure she'd ever see again. She'd even considered the possibility of asking to be the occasional duty officer for gamma shift to help slake the urge for command, but deep down she knew it wouldn't be the same since Voyager wasn't her ship and it wasn't fair to the younger crew who needed experience.
As arrogant as it sounded even to her, Sadara might have felt more useful if even one person had bothered to ask for advice or guidance or her experience on a more command track, but so far no one really had. She dealt primarily with the daily pettiness of life aboard ship if anything; interpersonal relationships and the like. A century of service in Starfleet wasting away to the point where Sadara sought out work in various departments just to remain occupied or simply authoring papers on various mental health topics. Being reduced to busy work annoyed Sadara Lochlan. It annoyed her greatly.
With the assistance of the main computer, Voyager's Security Chief Tuvok found Sadara on Holodeck 3. She was sitting still in the captain's chair of a holographic simulation of the main bridge of an old Soyuz class starship; the USS Aries, the Vulcan assumed given Sadara's service record. Her elbows were propped up on the arm rests and her long, slender fingers were steepled in front of her in the typical Vulcan fashion. It seemed an unusual place to meditate, but then it was quiet save for the typical background ambience of chirping consoles. Even the crew was not present.
Tuvok hesitated to disturb her private meditations, but there was a shipboard concern that was more immediately pressing and he stepped forward into her peripheral version, attempting not to startle her.
"Forgive the instrusion. I am in need of your assistance."
Sadara turned her head to look up at Tuvok and swiveled the captain's chair to face him. Visits from Tuvok were rare indeed. He stood in front of her with his hands relaxed at his sides, appearing as placid as ever.
"How may I be of service?" She said, unsteepling her fingers and standing.
Sadara noted that Tuvok shifted uncomfortably; an unusual movement for a Vulcan. "I regret that I feel compelled to ask for your assistance with another's personal matter."
"Ensign Vorik. I heard about the incident with Lieutenant Torres on the planet's surface. Forgive me, but I thought it was inappropriate for Vulcans to involve themselves in the personal matters of other Vulcans?"
Tuvok's expression remained inscrutable as he regarded the ship's counselor. He was grateful that she was half Vulcan and understood the nature of the discussion. The Pon Farr was uncomfortable enough to talk about without having to explain the gory details to an outsider. "That is true; however, the neurochemical imbalance failed to correct itself even after combat. Ensign Vorik has resumed meditation; however I do not believe he will succeed at this point."
The dark brown haired woman sat back down in the captain's chair and leaned back against the soft cushions as she considered the situation.
"You wish me to go to him?"
"Yes. He will die of the Plak Tow soon unless he takes a mate. You are half Vulcan and unbonded which makes you the logical choice since Lt. Torres rejected his proposal. You know as well as I do that it would be inappropriate for him to ask multiple women in search of one who will accept him."
It never ceased to amaze Sadara how matter of fact Vulcans could be about marriage. She was being asked to bond for life to a young Vulcan, barely old enough to legally drink on Earth, simply because she was half Vulcan and understood what would be necessary to save his life. Of course it was logical, but so impersonal. Having been raised on Earth, Sadara was more given to human ways of muddling through personal relationships. But Vorik would die unless she was able to put aside her reservations. He could not afford anyone's selfishness any longer.
"Ensign Vorik knew I was aboard, of course. He did not seek me out. It is logical to assume he has no desire to bond with me."
Tuvok's left eyebrow lifted in frustration. Certainly Sadara had to understand that this was a matter of life and death; wants and preferences were beside the point now. Tuvok often found humans and other species frustrating with their proclivity to discuss details that were no longer relevant to the primary concern. "That is true; however I believe given his openness to socializing and engaging in the activities of other races, you would find him to be a suitable mate and quite tolerant of your human tendencies."
"I gather he has no knowledge that you are here?"
"No. And I would prefer that he did not learn of it, if at all possible," Tuvok admitted reluctantly, his dark brown eyes fairly shone with guilt.
"Were it not necessary in order to preserve his life, I would not be meddling in his affairs."
"Very well. I shall go to him and handle the situation with as much delicacy as I can," she said, rising from her chair.
"I am grateful for your assistance in this matter. At a more appropriate time, I would like to discuss the possible reasons for why his neurochemical imbalance did not correct itself. Perhaps there are other psychological forces at work."
Sadara pondered that. She knew the issue concerned him greatly as eventually he would also endure his Time and likely before they returned to the Alpha Quadrant and his wife, T'Pel. "I will give the matter some thought."
"Good night, Counselor." Turning on his heel, Tuvok existed the holodeck, leaving Sadara to figure out the rest. She wanted to be useful…
***
Slowly, Sadara peeled the non standard duty uniform/dress from her body and draped the silver colored garment over the back of the chair next to her. She'd hang it up later, she reminded herself as she reached up and pulled the pins from her long, dark brown hair. The loose curls cascaded down her back and she brushed a stray curl back from her somber face. Spread out on the neatly made bed in front of her was a Vulcan bonding dress she had replicated. Sadara was nearly certain that Vorik would be so swept away by the Plak Tow that discussion would be nearly impossible. She hoped that the bonding dress would make the reason for her presence clear to the suffering young man. He would either accept her and take her as his mate or he'd reject her because she wasn't B'elanna Torres as he'd wanted.
The Vulcan/Human hybrid barely knew Ensign Vorik. Naturally their paths had crossed amongst such a small crew and they'd even had a few conversations, but personally she knew little about him. And while the age gap would be of little consequence to a Vulcan, at over a century old, Sadara felt like a "cradle robber." This decision would have very permanent consequences regardless of what was done. She could either leave Vorik to die unresolved or become his mate, forging a bond that could only be broken by death, a healer, or a High Master of Gol. The latter two were obviously unavailable.
Sighing, Sadara slipped on the teal hued tights, reflecting with some irony that the meticulously detailed clothes that Vulcan women often chose for their bonding day often ended up in tattered shreds on the floor by nightfall. Unlike humans, wearing your mother's bonding dress on your own wedding day was a rare honor. She stepped into the dress, sealing the clasps on the collar behind her neck and slipped into the low heels. Finally, she moved to glance at herself in the mirror and put her hair up in a more Vulcan style. Satisfied with her appearance, she exited her quarters and set off Ensign Vorik's. She only hoped his roommate was on duty.
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On the lower bunk in the quarters that Ensign Vorik shared with his roommate, the young Vulcan trembled violently with need. He had ceased the futile meditations some hours before and was now awaiting the cold, but merciful hand of death. He had no true desire to die, but compared to the torturous, agonizing throes of the plak tow, death was preferable. It seemed almost impossible to imagine that he would meet such an untimely and undignified end.
Somewhere in the recesses of his foggy mind, Vorik registered the door chime in the background. Closing his dark brown eyes tightly, he struggled for some semblance of control. It was no doubt the holographic doctor come to check on him. The slim Vulcan realized the doctor cared and was only trying his best to help, but Vorik had long since wearied of his visits and almost wished he could talk the hologram into a mercy killing.
Rolling over to face the door, Vorik pushed himself to a sitting position. "E-enter," he called shakily.
His visitor was anyone but the doctor. In fact, she was Vulcan and dressed in the traditional garb of a Vulcan bride. She took a few steps into the room so that the door would hiss closed behind her and she regarded the suffering man with compassion in her sapphire blue eyes. The flickering of the candles on the table between them cast shadows about the room, but Vorik could still make out her womanly silhouette as she gracefully made her way closer to him. His nostrils flared at her scent and his impossibly wide brown eyes gazed at body with lust.
Sadara, he realized. Half human, but here in a mixture of Vulcan logic and Human compassion. She would be his salvation.
His eyes fixed disbelievingly on the two fingers she extended to him as she came to a halt in front of him. It took effort to lift his head to look in her eyes, seeking confirmation. She nodded and Vorik touched his fingers to his. The mental link between them flared to life with the intense burning of his fever and the young Vulcan male crushed the much smaller woman to his trembling body. His hands cupped her jaw and his fingers searched for the psi points necessary to create the mating bond he so desperately needed. Images, memories, and feelings from both lives became visible to the other person. Vulcan, Earth, starships and faces from the century prior, the Osana caverns, pet Sehlats… they all rushed by at warp speed as Vorik sought desperately to seal the bond between them.
One strong hand remained glued to Sadara's psi points while the other pushed her to lie beneath him on the bed, then snaked down to her legs. She gasped as Vorik moved his hand up her thigh and hip, pushing the hem of her silky dress up toward her waist. His ragged breathing was loud in her delicately pointed ear and she could feel his rapid heartbeat pulse at warp speed under her small hand as she brought her arms up to part his long maroon robe and caress his torso. Finally, the young male was satisfied with the strength of their mating bond and withdrew his large hand from her face and dragging it roughly down her body to her waist where he grabbed the waist of her teal hued hosiery and panties and yanked them roughly down her legs to toss them in a silken pool on the floor beside the bed. The urgency of the plak tow prohibited foreplay and Vorik parted Sadara's long legs more roughly than he'd intended. He positioned himself over her and entered her with a quick, strong thrust. Through the bond Vorik could feel how the rough movements heightened her arousal, which came unexpectedly to him; but since the plak tow was driving him, he was grateful that she was experiencing little pain. He climaxed quickly and easily the first time, but satiation wouldn't find Vorik until nearly morning when he finally collapsed over his equally spent new wife.
Suppressing a groan, Ensign Vorik slowly opened his tired eyes. The sheer exhaustion of the Vulcan male confirmed that, amazingly, he had survived the pon farr. It took him a moment to process the events of the last several days as he stared at the ceiling. It all felt so surreal. His pon farr alone, so torturous in its intensity and insanity left Vorik feeling like the experience couldn't possibly have really happened. B'elanna's rejection of him had happened only days ago and yet it felt like it had been an eternity. Events after that moment were mostly hazy punctuated by a few brief bursts of clarity. At any rate, Vorik gave thanks to as many deities Vulcan had ever counted that the curse of his heritage had been lifted for another seven years.
With his logic and rationality mercifully returning to him, the raven haired Vulcan male realized the slight ebb in his mind of the newly forged marriage bond. He remembered nearly nothing of the night before so irrational and delirious had the plak tow rendered him. Through the bond, Vorik noted feelings, memories, thoughts, and sensations that he knew were not his own, though images from Vulcan curiously popped up intermittently. Rolling over to the right, Vorik set his large, dark brown eyes on the woman who apparently had rescued him from an agonizing and untimely end. He froze, stunned at her identity, but mostly at her disheveled appearance, no doubt the result of his lack of control during the worst of the plak tow. She was in a deep sleep brought about by exhaustion and she showed no signs of rousing soon. Her dark brown hair was sweat soaked and thrown over the pillow in knots and tangles and dark green bruises and bite marks marred her smooth, ivory skin. Shame flooded Vorik that he brought such physical pain to her. He could only imagine the emotional and mental damage his pon farr had done as well.
Sadara…my aduna… It felt unreal to believe he was a married man, but logic dictated that he accept it since it was a fact. The knowledge brought him sweet relief for his next time would bring less fear and uncertainty provided nothing unfortunate befell her before then. Guilt also fought for a corner in his headspace as well. Vorik knew that Sadara had never been fully comfortable around Vulcans and because of that he had not considered her as a candidate for bonding. She had been the target of much teasing and ridicule as Ambassador Spock had been, but having been raised on Earth she had practiced less Vulcan control than Spock had. Logic had likely not been the sole motivator for her to come to him; compassion and courage had to have been factors as well. But now she was bonded for life to a Vulcan man which had probably not been in her master life plan.
Vorik attempted to dismiss the guilt as illogical. She chose to come to him of her own free will. To some extent, she had to have been comfortable with the possibility of being bonded to him for life. He though looked upon their bonding as most favorable. She indulged her Human half frequently and Vorik was content for her to be herself and he rather enjoyed experiencing other cultures. Perhaps fate had been right to deny him Torres. His first conversation with Sadara when she awoke would prove most interesting.
Pushing the blankets back, Vorik sat up. He intended to shower and locate some food while Sadara slept. He had no wish to wake her prematurely after what she'd been through. He was nearest the wall so he scooted to the foot of the bed and hopped off, padding off to the sonic shower. His sore, aching body cried out for a soothing real water shower, but those were a luxury only the senior officers on board had access to. If Sadara permitted him to move in with her, he would join those lucky few.
A gentle probing at their bond alerted Vorik that Sadara had woken. The young male felt some surprise that she was so cautious. Surely she should know that the bondmate relationship is more open than this. Dropping his shields, Vorik projected warmth and reassurance. With a raised eyebrow, he pondered something he'd heard human couples did occasionally and invited her to join him in the shower. He wondered if it was as pleasant as the humans often made it out to be.
He detected Sadara's surprise and amusement through their bond and a few moments later she appeared in the shower with him with an uncharacteristically shy smile on her face.
"Aduna… good morning."
"Good morning, my adun. I trust you are well."
"Indeed, ashaya. And I have you to thank for it. If you hadn't… I would have died."
"No thanks are necessary; it is logical to preserve life. We do have much to talk about though now that we are bonded."
Logic told Vorik that she was right. Many things needed to be worked out about their marriage that was usually decided before bonding, but at that moment it seemed so…inappropriate. Gently, Vorik pulled her to him and simply held her under the spray.
"Ashaya, there is time to decide all that. At the moment, I simply wish for you to rest and recover."
Her impatience radiated through their bond, amusing Vorik somewhat.
Aduna, it is not necessary to approach every situation as a starship captain would, though I realize you are accustomed to addressing issues immediately.
You are right of course, she responded with an amused sigh. At least tell me if you plan on moving into my quarters and having a normal marriage.
It would be illogical to be bonded and remain strangers…
Yeah, I'm really going to have to work on ditching the usual human discourse I got accustomed to…
***
Knowing full well that Vorik would not be allowed to return to duty until checked out by the holographic doctor, Sadara suggested he go get that out of the way while she put in the request to Captain Janeway for Vorik to move quarters. While it was not unheard of for some Vulcan couples to live apart from each other, Vorik and Sadara agreed that they did not want that sort of sterile, emotionally distant marriage.
They met for breakfast in the mess hall shortly after Vorik was cleared by the holodoc to return to duty the following day. Sadara had secured a small table in the corner by the window and beckoned Vorik over when she saw him scanning the room for her. Vorik tried to shrug off the curious glances from the other crewmembers scattered throughout the mess hall. On a ship this small, the young Vulcan was certain that nearly everyone had gotten wind of his out of character behavior the last several days. He selected a few items that looked and smelled palatable and then joined Sadara in the dim corner.
"I used a few of my replicator rations. Here, try this." Sadara stabbed a bite of fluffy buckwheat pancake and held it out to Vorik. Unfamiliar with the human couples' penchant for biting food off of someone else's fork, Vorik looked at the proffered eating utensil with confusion.
Human couples share food frequently. Relax, it's just pancakes.
Cautiously, Vorik took the bite and quirked an eyebrow. "Interesting flavor and texture."
"Feel free to take more. Normally I drown my pancakes in copious amounts of syrup, but I held back this time. I know Vulcans don't typically find sweets all that palatable. Pancakes can be a rather heavy breakfast food honestly. I love them though. My father used to make these for me when I was a child."
"You do realize we're being observed?" Vorik glanced down at his plate, feeling as if all eyes were on him. Though a Vulcan would never admit to such a thing, Vorik was obviously still feeling self conscious about his pon farr and the vulnerability that came with it, especially after so much of it was unintentionally made public.
"Oh I'm aware, adun." Inwardly Sadara sighed and glanced over a couple of tables where Tom Paris and B'elanna Torres were sitting. B'elanna guiltily looked away and focused on Tom, though she leaned forward to whisper something to him. Sadara knew she shouldn't eavesdrop, but the starship captain in her felt compelled to be aware of harmful gossip and she strained to hear B'elanna's hushed whispers. She picked up only bits and pieces, but enough to know that B'elanna was speculating that Sadara was the reason Vorik was still among the living. Learning nothing substantial, Sadara focused on projecting comforting thoughts to Vorik through their bond.
Ashaya, it has passed and won't return for another 7 years. You have me now so it won't be like that next time. People will forget soon. It is illogical to fret about what you cannot change; you know this.
Forgive me, aduna. I fear I am not yet completely myself.
Perhaps we should adjourn to the holodeck for a while since neither one of us are back on duty until tomorrow?
What did you have in mind, aduna?
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"There's something about me you should know," Sadara said, bringing up a list of her holodeck programs.
They entered to the same bridge simulation of the USS Aries that Tuvok had found Sadara meditating in earlier. Vorik looked around in fascination. The bridge was much smaller than anything the current fleet sported. As an engineer, he found these older starships captivating and had often visited the fleet museum to get an up close look at them. To be able to discuss these ships and this era with a woman who had experienced them was a fortune the young engineer was grateful for.
"Come, we can explore the engineering section while we discuss a few matters." She entered the simulated turbolift and instructed it to drop down to the engineering deck.
"The truth is you've just bonded yourself to a mess of sorts and I apologize for that. Despite my efforts, I am failing to adapt to the fact that we're stranded so far from the Alpha Quadrant. Yes, I'm aware it's illogical and yes, I'm aware that I'm accomplishing nothing but making my life more difficult by not accepting it."
Ensign Vorik easily kept pace with her as they strolled down the corridor of the century old starship replica. "I am aware that Voyager was to be your transport to your next command at the conclusion of the Maquis mission."
Nodding, Sadara entered engineering and leaned on some railing nearby. Her jaw clenched and unclenched as the discussion brought renewed frustration and anger boiling to the surface. She willed her Vulcan half to get rein on them.
"Yes. I'd be less than honest if I said that I wasn't bitter and resentful about this. I've been a starship captain for decades and in Starfleet for over a century. While I understand and sympathize with the moral and ethical dilemma Captain Janeway had to face, I still don't take well to being at the mercy of other starship captains."
Standing next to her, Vorik took in the rather archaic engineering section while he listened to Sadara. She was, he noted, quite human in her thinking and surprisingly emotional given her age. Despite her more human upbrining, the young Vulcan man would have expected she'd be more adaptable than she currently appeared to be. After all, wasn't adaptability a necessary trait in starship captains?
"Your career was a small price to pay for the preservation of a race."
That earned him a raised eyebrow. "Yes, but it would have been more palatable had I been the one to make the decision."
"You dislike not having control?"
"I dislike being at the mercy of others," she growled angrily. "And naturally, I dislike not being able to follow my heart's desire. I am a starship captain. And until I can be a starship captain again, I fear I will never be content."
A tiny fist slammed down hard on the railing. "I've made busy work for three years. As a counselor, I've seen few clients because this far from home, the crew has learned to really rely on another in all aspects of their lives. Sure, I could ask for the occasional bridge shift on gamma watch, but I'd just be depriving some young officer of the experience. It wouldn't be right. I write papers when none of the other sections have any work for me."
Hanging her head, Sadara leaned on the railing once more. "I feel useless… wasted. And worse, it feels like I have an itch I can't scratch. Sure,
I've programmed the holodeck to toss me brand new scenarios to keep me interested, but in the end it's all a fantasy. I'm not really making a difference."
Vorik pondered that for a moment before replying. "I regret that it does not appear that our situation will change drastically any time soon. I will assist you in any way I can if you'd like. The intense emotions you are experiencing over this are of no benefit to you. As a counselor, you are aware of the negative physical and psychological impacts of such prolonged emotional influence."
Sadara chuckled and sighed. "I'm not a very good Vulcan, Vorik; we should just be clear on that now."
Vorik cocked his head to the side and peered at her curiously. "There is much your Vulcan heritage could teach you. But I don't understand why….," he trailed off, his brow furrowed in confusion as he focused intensely on her. "You're not pregnant. Surely you should have conceived… I should be able to sense the change in you by now."
"I asked the doctor for a contraceptive injection before coming to you. I believed it would be unwise to risk pregnancy when we had no opportunity to discuss our future post pon farr."
Anger actually flashed in Vorik's large brown eyes at that. It was considered an insult among Vulcans for the female to thwart conception during the male's first pon farr since the pon farr was geared to facilitate reproduction. "A child would have been welcome."
Sadara's eyebrow lifted in surprise. "I am aware of how such a thing is perceived in Vulcan society, however given our situation I felt precautions were best."
"Cease them, wife." Vorik winced at his harsh tone and how she stiffened indignantly at the command. He attributed it to the vestiges of the pon farr. The worst had passed, but it would still be a few days or so before his control would be fully restored. Closing his eyes, he will calm and control over his initial anger. He was expecting her to behave as a proper Vulcan wife when she had little practice even living as a Vulcan woman. It was an illogical expectation, but he resolved to teach her. He softened his tone and changed tactics.
"It would…please me if you would give me children, ashaya."
"Ah yes, children; that will certainly solve the boredom crisis," she said sarcastically. Her head fell back and she gazed at the ceiling as if willing the correct action out of thin air. She was married to a Vulcan man now and with that came different responsibilities and expectations than she was used to when she was married to a Human. She would just have to learn to accept that just as she would have to being stranded in the Delta Quadrant, though it rankled her to submit. Straightening, she bowed stiffly, her body radiating her anger, though her expression was as neutral as any full Vulcan's. "As you wish, adun."
Vorik's face was still a mask of confusion. "You do not wish to have children?
"What I want is irrelevant. You are my husband and it is my duty to submit to your wishes."
Sadara ordered the computer to end the simulation and exited the holodeck. She didn't want to believe she could feel any worse about her situation, but now it seemed as if her marriage would be of little cheer as well.
***
Sadara stomped down the corridor with balled fists, not caring at the junior officers she'd managed to intimidate into pressing themselves against the wall until she passed. Even Neelix who normally tried to engage her in pleasant small talk gave her a wide berth on his way back to the mess hall. She figured Vorik wouldn't be far behind her so she marched into sickbay quickly and informed the holographic doctor of what Vorik wanted in a tone that brooked no opposition. Sadara knew he'd pry into personal matters that did not concern him and she was not in the mood to indulge him.
After seeing to Vorik's request, Sadara resumed her march back to her quarters. She roughly yanked off the forest green Vulcan meditation robes she had donned that morning and tossed them angrily in a wrinkled heap in the corner on Vorik's side of the bed. It was childish, but at the moment she couldn't care less. She was never going to be an adequate Vulcan wife; it just wasn't in her. She did feel some distress at not being more successful as a Vulcan and wondered if maybe her mother should have pushed her harder to follow Vulcan traditions.
Reaching into her closet, she pulled out a strapless aqua blue top and a short, white cotton skirt, and then stepped into some flats. She yanked her long, brown hair out of its updo and studied her reflection for a moment. Change… she needed change. Her hairstyle was about the only thing she felt she had control of at the moment. Babies and toddlers enjoyed pulling long hair so in preparation of such it was only logical to chop said hair off.
"Eh, what the hell?" She mumbled to her reflection, and then she disappeared to the salon for the afternoon.
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Vorik quickly made his way back to their quarters and slumped against the wall once inside. He was unsure what felt worse; rejection in the middle of pon farr or rejection by his spouse after pon farr. The former offered little hope of a future at all while the latter felt like a grim future of incompatibility. Sadara was half Vulcan so why didn't she behave more like one? She seemed so ignorant or else outright defiant of Vulcan traditions. Logically, Vorik didn't expect her to be the perfect Vulcan wife given her Human half, but neither did he expect so little respect for Vulcan culture. It seemed as if he was doomed to have unsatisfactory relationships.
With a heavy sigh, the young Vulcan changed out of his uniform and into his meditation robes, preparing for a long afternoon of intense meditation. If fate smiled on him, his new wife would return home in a state of calm.
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Sadara entered her quarters a few hours later, her once long brown curls shorn to a just below chin length bob. It felt odd and slightly uncomfortable to not have that curtain of hair falling down her back, but she had to admit the new cut framed her face rather nicely. Cautiously, the Vulcan/Human hybrid made her way through the quarters she now shared with the young Vulcan male and found him meditating on their pristinely made bed. Vulcan hearing was excellent so Sadara had no doubt that despite his intense meditation, Vorik was aware of her return. Still, she chose to quietly back out of the bedroom and replicate some fettuccine alfredo for the evening meal. Fettuccine alfredo was easily her favorite meal and though she should be rationing out her replicator privileges, comfort food was on the menu tonight. Vorik would likely be interested in sampling it so she ordered enough for both of them.
A few moments later, Vorik appeared at the table and sat across from Sadara. He had been so quiet and stealthy that Sadara's acute hearing almost didn't detect him. Neither spoke for the majority of their meal and the uncomfortable silence hung in the air like a dense fog. Vorik had neither the life experience nor the experience with women to be confident in his ability to deal with Sadara's emotional behavior. Sadara, on the other hand, didn't trust herself to say anything without additional helpings of sarcasm.
Finally, as Vorik was nearing the final bites of his meal, Sadara looked up from her own plate. "I did what you wanted. I visited the doctor and had him neutralize the birth control in my system."
"I am pleased, aduna. It is only logical that we have children given that this crew is comprised of mostly human officers. If it takes Voyager the entire 70 years to return to the Alpha Quadrant, it will be necessary for some of the crew to produce offspring to continue operation of the ship. As you and I are married, it is only logical for us to assist in that outcome."
Sadara's left eyebrow lifted incredulously. "Vorik, we are talking about children, not power couplings. It is irresponsible to have babies out of obligation and not because they are truly wanted. If you truly desire children, that is one thing, but they require an enormous amount of sacrifice, effort, and responsibility to have out of obligation. And I speak from experience when I say that. I raised a sick baby until he died at four months and later a healthy girl who tested me in every way possible. Both experiences while rewarding were also grueling. Parenthood is not for the faint of heart and you have to want to be a parent because you want to be a parent, not because logic and numbers tell you to."
"Indeed," Vorik returned with his own eyebrow raised in surprised amusement. "Interesting lecture given that both of your children were unplanned."
Bolting from her chair, Sadara returned their plates to the recycler with an angry motion while Vorik continued to observe her with his fingers steepled in front of him. He was not handling this well, but had no idea of how to repair their rapidly deteriorating marriage. Things had appeared so positive the first morning, but now it looked as if it would be best if they parted ways and he returned to his old room.
"How do you think I know children aren't a numbers game, Vorik?! How do you think I know how much sacrifice is involved? I gave up my first starship command to stay home and raise Madeline."
She sighed and finished cleaning up after the evening meal and then retreated to the bedroom, changing into a powder blue slip. She had resolved to turn in early and sleep it off. Vorik could do whatever, which turned out to be following her into the bedroom.
"I thought we'd spend some time getting to know one another," she said, as she folded up her uniform. She'd send it to laundry in the morning.
"Won't there be sufficient time for that while you are pregnant?"
"I'm not making a dent, am I?" She sighed in resignation.
Vorik approached her from behind and hesitantly put his strong hands on her shoulders. "My wife, I have listened to everything you've said. I am certain that I want children."
Sadara realized she wasn't certain about anything. Having children for the wrong reasons was fraught with consequences, but she also knew she had successfully raised a child born of an unexpected and unwanted pregnancy. She was certain she could do so with an expected, but still unwanted one. What she hated most was how subservient the wife was in Vulcan marriages. She didn't want to be, but given that starship command wasn't even within her reach must less grasp while over 50 years from home, she knew of no other way to salvage a marriage she had no way out of either. At least with a baby on the way, Vorik would be pleased and maybe some peace would settle over their bond. As it was now, the both of them would just go around in circles. And it wasn't as if she had anything better to do. Of course she had been the one lecturing him about having babies for the wrong reasons…
I sure hope I know what I'm doing," she thought as dread settled like a lead weight in her stomach before leading her adun to the bed.
***
Vorik awoke late the following morning, which surprised him. Even though it was his day off, he typically still awoke at the same time as he did on duty days, owing to that usually reliable internal clock Vulcans possessed. Next to him, the bed normally occupied by his aduna was empty. He sat up and cocked his head to listen for any sounds of activity in the adjoining rooms, but detected only silence. His nostrils flared at the inviting smells of breakfast and turned his head to find exactly that waiting for him on the nightstand. He ate quickly, then showered and dressed as memories of their lovemaking the night before flooded his normally disciplined mind. It wasn't like him to be distracted overly much by episodes of the past, but in this case, he needed to sort out the issues plaguing his new marriage. They needed to find some common ground or decide on some expectations for each other.
The raven haired Vulcan had no experience with relationships, Vulcan or otherwise and felt lost. As a Vulcan, his knowledge of how to conduct a marital relationship was in the Vulcan way. Still it confused and admittedly hurt him to think that he was so unappealing to these women. Was he so unsuitable as a partner? And if so, what was wrong with him? Vorik shook his head. Through their bond, he knew that Sadara was physically attracted to him if not yet emotionally. The latter would come in time he was certain.
He realized that Sadara would have been more accommodating if only she was experiencing contentment in other areas of her life. She wasn't. Perhaps she was right that this wasn't the right time for a child. He had made a similar mistake with Sadara that he had with B'elanna. He had assumed they would react logically. As the male, it was Vorik's right to ask for children. That Sadara wasn't as interested in offspring had been of little consequence to him until he realized that if she was unable to get a rein on her emotions, the impact on the child could be less than agreeable.
No, he reminded himself. His logic had been sound. It was for the good of everyone that children be born or the voyage home would be crippled as the humans aboard began aging. Sadara would have to adjust. After all, the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the one.
W^^^W^^^W
Several hours later, Vorik looked up from his meditations as the door to their quarters swooshed open and then shut again behind his wife. She was dressed in her meditation robes and wore an expression as neutral and placid as any Vulcan's. When it came to Sadara, Vorik wasn't sure how to interpret that just yet.
Approaching her, he extended two fingers to her in the traditional Vulcan gesture of affection with the hope she would warm up to him. He was not looking forward to a life of discord with his aduna and wished desperately to repair the damage. As her fingers made contact with his, he knew without a doubt she had conceived his child. With the link fully open between them, Vorik could vicariously experience the subtle changes in her scent and metabolism. His head nearly swam with the sudden reality that he was to become a father. Just last week, there had been no indication that any of this would be part of his life anytime soon. Strong emotions stirred within him; awe, joy, and the awakening of his more protective instincts filled him. His dark brown eyes, alight with joy, sought hers, searching for any indication that she too was aware of their coming son or daughter.
"Ashaya…," Vorik's deep voice caught in his throat and his strong hand moved to caress her abdomen, curious about the tiny part of them developing inside her. He sensed her confusion at first, and then the emotion in the bond shifted to weary resignation as she realized what he was talking about. His hand dropped dejectedly to his side once more and the large brown eyes, so bright a moment before, faded to dull, lifeless orbs. Where a moment there was joy, now only a burgeoning sorrow for their son or daughter to be welled up to take its place. He was mystified by his wife's illogical attitudes and guiltily and illogically he wished for the predictability and logic of a true Vulcan wife; the wife he had prepared for since he was young. Instead, fate had given him a wife he couldn't understand and no experience to guide him.
"Does it have to be unwanted?" He croaked.
"I'm sure my feelings toward it will change once it is born. It is mainly the "joys" of pregnancy that I'm not looking forward to… morning sickness, cravings, lack of sleep in the third trimester, 18 hours of labor…"
Sadara moved into the bedroom after ordering some hot tea. Her favorite vice, hot chocolate was out for the next ten months due to the intoxicating affect of chocolate on Vulcans. That knowledge also served to sour her mood.
"I just need time, Vorik," she said as she changed clothes. "Both our lives have changed drastically in the last several days. Once I see the baby and feel it kick, my perception of it will change like it did with Madeline. Right now I just don't feel the connection to it yet."
"I find that mystifying given that you are the one carrying it. Shouldn't you be the one experiencing more connection to it than I?"
"You would think," Sadara nodded, turning down the bed. "It was like this when I was pregnant with Madeline too. I didn't warm up to being a mother until I felt her move. I suppose I just wasn't born with much of a maternal instinct. In some ways, I just think I'm too selfish for motherhood. I mentioned that I wanted time alone with you first. It was the same with Jim. I enjoyed having him to myself. Children require so much more planning and sacrifice. I've always enjoyed being able to just "go where the wind blows" so to speak. With children, you can't be that impulsive."
Stripping out of his uniform, Vorik sat down on his side of the bed. "I understand, but Madeline turned out agreeably. The maternal instinct must not be that foreign to you."
Chuckling, Sadara slipped under the covers and ordered the computer to power down the lights. "Despite my misgivings about motherhood, I undertook the task as seriously as I do everything else, Vorik. It will be no different this time. I have no regrets about having her as I won't have any when this one arrives."
"Then all is well, ashaya?" Vorik queried with surprise as he rolled onto his side and pulled her close, settling his hand once again protectively over her middle.
"All is well, ashal-veh," she yawned sleepily. "Now if you don't mind, I need to be sleeping for two."